Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
