Who wears a wallet chain?!
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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