I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
