I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Randomize
