I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
