I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
