Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
