burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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