Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
