Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
