I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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