My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
