genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
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