let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
