I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
