Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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