omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
