You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
