At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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