i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
