Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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