Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
