I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
