Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
