In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
