I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
