I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Such a big mess for such a small penis
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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