I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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