My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
