I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Randomize
