Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
