I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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