I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
