Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
