she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
