I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
