the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
