I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Even my vagina gasped.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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