I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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