Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
