his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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