and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
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