Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
