Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I'm really busy with my period
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