I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
