i just identified you from a description of your pipe
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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