My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
