i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
