bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
