Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
