Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
