if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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