i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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