I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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