Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
