Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
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