Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
The cops high fived after they tackled you
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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