i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
