let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
