Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
